I, King Rudolph IV of Ruritania,
have decided to celebrate my 80th birthday...
by viewing my entire Kingdom..
from a balloon in the sky.
Ah. Oh.
Oh.
Mama, over here.
What's up in the tree?
It came from the sky.
It might be a...
What is it, 0 Wise One?
I think it's a King in a balloon.
Hear me, good subjects. Hear me.
Quiet! Shh!
You have witnessed a miracle. A miracle?
I have traveled the four winds...
and have arrived here safely.
'Tis that not proof positive for you all...
that I am rightly called Rudolph the Indestructible?
The King was never a well man.
Count Rupert of Hentzau!
Your father's death leaves you in very good spirits, Duke Michael.
Yes. And I shall be in even better spirits, Hentzau,
when I learn of my brother's death.
With respect, sir, you refer to the new King of Ruritania,
and your tone does not befit the crown.
My brother Rudolph does not befit the Crown.Indeed.
I do agree that he is weak, vain, spineless and dissolute... He is.
and prefers the gaming salons of London to our court. True enough.
But perhaps responsibility will change his ways.
I do not intend to find out.
Kaspar of Schwandorf.
Ah, Kaspar, you leave for England.
You know what is to be done.
Do it, and you will earn my eternal gratitude.
The gratitude of a King.
Whoa.
Thirty-two red and even.
Ah.
Your Majesty.
Good "gwacious." General Sapt and young "Fwitz."
Sire, we are here to share your grief and give you escort home.
Oh, yes, yes, yes, my "gwief," yes.
Dear Sapt, I am, of course, distressed by Daddy's death.
However, the King is dead. Long live me.
Sixteen. Always 16.
So, welcome to London, Sapt, and you, Fritz.
Thank you, Your Majesty. I've never been to London before.
Oh, London's a splendid place.
I'd venture to say it's entirely wasted on the English.
Oh.
Whereas, Paris and the French...
Madame La Comtesse?
Your Majesty.
Your Majesty, I beg your indulgence.
My indulgence, good chap, is roulette,
as my presence here would indicate.
But, Sire, consider the Affairs of State.
The King is not adverse to affairs.
Thirty-two red.
Sire, I must talk to you. It's urgent. Very well.
Apparently, I have to go, madam.
However, if your engagements permit,
perhaps you would care to attend my coronation.
Absolutely everyone's coming.
It would be a great honor, Your Majesty.
And since affairs of state are not half as interesting as the state of my affairs,
I will have to deliver the invitation personally, you understand?
By heaven! You go too far!
I am a count! Remember?
Oh, yes, I shall remember.
Sixteen red.
Oh, "dwat"! And I didn't bet on it.
Oh, it's nothing. Ahh!
What do you mean I am imperiled? I am a King.
Sire, you are King in name only.
You do not yet sit upon the throne.
And Michael vows you never will. Oh, Michael.
How dreadfully unfair to have a half brother as rotten as Michael.
If my father had been half a man,
he'd have never allowed my half mother to run off with that half-breed.
If only my half sister had lived.
Sire. Sire, let us return to the embassy, make an early night of it, eh?
I shall do no such thing. I am going to the Café Royal.
Wherever you go, Sire, we shall be at your side.
You'll keep your distance, young Fritz, or you'll embarrass the lady and your King.
The Café Royal, driver.
Flowers? Flowers?
♪
Oh, good. More bubbly.
Your Majesty. Yes. Uh, just leave it, Andrews, and be off.
We have mountains to climb. Yes, Your Majesty.
Yes.
Oh, mmm, mmm, darling.
Oh, come, you like it. You know you like it.
You pretend not to all the time, but always you do.
Oh.
Oh, no.
No, no, no. No more bubbly for me. Oh, yes, Natalie.
No more bubbly for me. I must keep a clear head for what I have to tell you.
Tell me only what I want to hear...
and call me "Wudy."
"Wudy." "Wudy."
"Wudy.""Wudy."
"Wudy."
"Wudy." Rudy, I think he suspects us.
Who? My husband, the count.
You have been very reckless, you know?
In Biarritz, you were quite flagrant...
and in Baden-Baden, blatantly bold...
in the bath. Ohh!
You remember? Yes.
But look, how can I help being reckless...
when I'm driven to insanity by your maddening beauty? Oh!
Oi!
I say, I ain't seen you around here before.
This is my beat, mate. You're trespassin'.
You ain't got no license.
I say, I'm talkin' to you.
Oi!
If you don't get off out of it, I'll call a cop and I'll tell you straight.
Is that your last word?
Not you, him.
My God, but you're lovely.
Oh, Natalie, darling, I want you now. Oh.
Oh. Oh.Your Majesty, my leg.
Oh, yes. Excuse me.
Twist your leg. Oh, yes.
Oh, yes. I'm undoing it. Oh, Your Majesty, that was very good.
No, not undoing it, no.
Please, let me undo something. No.
And a married woman at that.
A scandal now, with the coronation at hand, would rock Europe, Fritz.
Rock Europe!
Oh, pardon.
Won't you join us? Please do.
No, no. Merci, gentlemen. Perhaps some other time.
Well, pity.Ta-ta.
Ohh!
That's Not your father, is it? No!
Sir, I must ask you to leave and forget what you have seen.
A thousand pardons, Your Royal Highness.
Oh, yes. Ohh.
Aha!
Just as I suspected!
Well,
King or no King,
tonight... you die like a dog!
No, no. No, wait. Montparnasse, wait.
You are a count and a gentleman.
Hmm.
I am a King...
- a-a-a-and a gentleman. - Ha!
At least allow me the privilege of a duel, sir.
Very well, Sire.
I am a man of honor.
You will have your duel.
Permit me to choose my weapon, sir.
Of course.
I bow to your request.
Ohh!
Coward!
What's going on? Sir!
Shocking! Sir!
Swine! Ohh!
Release me! Let me go!
Stop!
We must sneak him out of here.
Oh, confound it. I am a count!
You think a gentleman...
Oh, no! Oh, no!
Right, that does it, mate.
I've told you five times. Now I...
Assistance! Assistance!
A man on fire! Help! I am burning!
Cabbie! Cabbie!
Yes, guv'nor.
♪
Thank heavens the King's safe, Uncle.
For how long, lad? For how long?
Where to, guv'nor?
The Ruritanian Embassy, Belgrave Square.
And thank you for your assistance, my good man.
That's all right. Think nothing of it.
It's none of my business, but...
What was all that ruckus about back there just now?
Hmm? Well, you see...
We've no idea. A mistaken identity no doubt.
Who's he then? The man in the iron mask?
Yes. Please, drive straight on. We're in a great hurry.
Yes, guv'nor.
Is something wrong?
No. No, there's nothing wrong.
I'm sorry, cabbie. Drive on.
Right, right.
Come on, Syl!
Come on, come on.
I do believe the solution to our problem...
has just stared us...
in the face.
Yes, I must admit, gents, your offer is very tempting and very generous.
I never been abroad, let alone to, uh... Where was that?
Ruritania, sir.
Ruritania. Ruritania. Yeah, yeah.
A Royal coachman? Oh, blimey.
I mean, I gotta ask meself why me, haven't I, eh?
Well, in the first place, Ruritanian coachmen are notoriously bad drivers.
No. More important. More important.
I consider myself to be an excellent judge of character, Mr., uh...
Frewin, sir.
Sidney Frewin.
Yes, that's right. That's right.
It all sounds very temptin'. I gotta admit.
But if I was to take it,
I mean what would happen to my Sylvia?
I couldn't leave Sylvia just like that.
My dear chap, bring her with you.
Nah. No, it wouldn't work, sir.
No, she's past it. Her lungs are gone. She's deaf as a post.
'Course I know what you'll say. You'll say have her shot.
But... I couldn't do it.
The English shoot their women?
He's talkin' about his horse.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yes.
Sylvia's my horse. Yeah. I'm not married, guv'nor. No, no.
Yes, well, I'm sure we can arrange something appropriate for your Sylvia.
Eh?
- Right. - Right.
Hello, Syl. How are you, darling?
I know. Didn't recognize me in me new getup, did ya?
Eh?
I made sure you're gonna be all right.
You are gonna be an embassy horse.
You're gonna live in this lovely stable,
have your own personal groom like a thoroughbred,
sugar and apples every day...
and on top of that, listen to this,
I've got you diplomatic immunity.
You know what that means? You can stop and have a pee whenever you like, girl.
Think about it. Think about it.
I'll see you later.
"Incwedible."
Amazing.
The resemblance is remarkable.
But does he have any breeding? I mean, is he of royal blood?
Oh, no, Sire. He's a commoner. Very common commoner.
Does the... Does the fellow know the real reason why you've pressed him into service?
Oh, no, Sire. Last night we were most careful that he never saw your face.
Oh, don't mention last night. I have the most dreadful headache.
Yes. Oh, that was a very nasty fall you had, sir. Yes, very nasty.
And very, very embarrassing.
So, General, I take it your plan is that you and I return home in secret?
Yes, Sire. We will take a northern route...
whilst young Fritz here will take the decoy by train on the route that Michael will expect.
But the wretched fellow's life is not worth a fig.
I mean, can we... Can we use him with such callous disregard?
Sire, the alternative will be to endanger your own life.
Yes. Yes, well, of course. You're absolutely right, Sapt.
Yes. Proceed.
Yes, Sire.
Stop!
Aha! There you are!
Your disguise does not fool me.
I am not intimidated by your station, Sire,
and I demand satisfaction.
Uh, uh, uh!
Your flagrant flirtation insults my wife...
and, thereby, you insult me.
Here... Ahh!
Think twice, Sire, before you pick up the gauntlet.
I must advise you I am the finest swordsman in all Europe,
and should you accept my challenge,
I shall, first of all... ssst, ssst.
You will find my initials carved upon your cheek.
Then... ssst, ssst... Pardon.
Which will have slit you from your groin to your gullet!
What do you think of that, Sire?
Up yours, mate.
Oy!
Stechpalmenwald.
Now you wait here. I'll see if our escort has arrived.
Right, sir. I won't move from here.
See him, please, sir.
Now look here, my man, I am traveling with your new King, Rudolph,
who is returning to Ruritania for his coronation.
Here are his royal papers and here are mine.
Please be quick. The King is growing impatient.
He's anxious to move on. The royal carriage awaits.
His Majesty is growing restless.
Go to Duke Michael with the news.
The King returns to Ruritania.
It's the King.
All right, yeah? You all right?
You sure?
Blimey.
Well, what's going on here?
Well, I don't know. People keep fallin' over.
This girl just got clobbered with a bucket of paint. I mean...
Yes, yes. Well, this sort of thing happens in Ruritania, but follow me.
Here.
No, no. No, not yet.
We don't need you to start your duties yet.
Oh, right, sir. Right.
Well, after you, sir. Oh, no, after you, sir.
No, after you, sir. Please, get in the carriage.
But that's not the way it's done, sir. I mean, I should have opened the door for you.
Please, sir, I insist.
Right. You're the guv'nor.
Welcome to my lodge, Sire.
You often used to stay here when you were a little boy, you know.
Oh, this dreadful place. Yes, I remember it.
For goodness sake, someone help me off this wretched creature.
Help His Majesty. You! Help His Majesty!
May I presume, General,
you'll be good enough to offer me some small measure of creature comforts?
But, of course, Your Majesty.
Your Majesty.
Hello.
It must do your heart good to be back home here in your native land.
I will listen to my heart when I've rested my ass.
Now remember... We must take the King alive.
What's happening, sir? We're being attacked, Frewin.
Don't-Don't worry, Frewin. They're no match for the King's royal guard.
You mean there's nothing to worry about then?
No.Oh.
Ohh!
Take them!
Go on!
He's trying to cut the horses loose.
We're driverless, Frewin.
Not while I'm here, you're not!
Aah! Aah!
Aah!
Look out for Rupert, Sire.
Here, grab ahold of this.
Cheerio!
Well fought, Your Majesty!
God save Your Majesty!
Thank you, Frewin. That's all right, guv'nor.
Um, Sire.
Lord Fritz.
Your Majesty. Your Majesty.
Oh, Frewin! Thank God! You're-You're safe! Thank God!
General. Yes?
No disrespect, sir, but I would like some answers.
Yes. Something very strange is going on around here.
On the way, we was attacked by a bunch of highwaymen.
We managed to shake 'em off.
But after the attack, two of the soldiers that was with us...
rode up and called me Your Majesty.
Just now, when I was walkin' in,
two of the flunkies outside called me the same thing, right? What I wanna know is...
Hello, Mr. Frewin.
Hello.
Sapt, I think it's time Frewin and I were properly introduced.
Of course, sir.
Your Majesty, may I present Mr. Sidney Frewin of Bethnal Green, London.
Mr. Frewin, His Majesty, King Rudolph of Ruritania.
Could I have a large whiskey, please.
Johann, go to bed. Yes, sir.
Joseph, fetch some more of the claret, will you? The '68.
Uh, the '68? Certainly, Master Fritz. Certainly, sir.
Just leave it there and knock on the door. Oh, no, Master Fritz, I always...
I always decant the wine myself, Master Fritz.
Joseph, just go fetch the wine. Yes, all right, sir.
I mean... I mean, who'd have thought it, eh? Eh?
Syd Frewin of Bethnal Green, hobnobbing with the royals.
I tell you, if I went down to my local pub,
said to the lads, "You'll never guess where I was last week."
Oh, no, no, Frewin. This tale must never be told.
Anyway, who'd believe it?
I mean, me the spittin' image...
of King Rudolph of Ruritania?
That's gotta be a laugh, isn't it?
Yes. Yes, of course. I see that, yes.
Thank you, "Fwew"... Yes.
You really are a decent chap.
Thank you.
Did your father like England?
Oh, of course, he liked England, London especially.
He adored the music halls.
And the actresses? Oh, the actresses were his real weakness.
Thereby hangs a "tail."
Or two or three.
My mum was an actress.
Sissy Frewin.
And who was your father?
Oh, I never knew him, Your Majesty.
He disappeared before I was born.
Fritz! What?
Go and see what's keeping that miserable, wretched servant.
We need more wine! Yes, Sire.
♪
♪ She was a sweet little dicky-bird ♪
♪ Tweet, tweet, tweet she went ♪
♪ Softly she sang to me
♪ Till all my money was spent ♪
Hey, where'd you learn that?
Daddy used to sing that.
Oh, I say, Uncle. Joseph's been at your wine.
He's lying downstairs in a pool of claret.
But that's not like him.
Show me, boy. Show me!
Excuse me, Your Majesty. Mr. Frewin, excuse me.
Oh, I know my own frailties, Frewin.
I know I'm not the man to rule Ruritania.
Well, from what I've heard, you've got to be better than that bloke Michael.
A right character he must be, tryin' to kill his own brother.
Oh, look at him, hmm? Drunk as a Lord. Oh.
He's not drunk, Fritz. He's...
alive!
Help me up with him. My dear fellow.
Oh, yeah. There's two pictures in there.
Oh, look at that!
Old General Sapt is a bit of a dark horse, isn't he? Keepin' these around here.
You'd never guess it to look at him.
I mean, it's like...
No, it's real, isn't it? I mean...
It's-It's amazing.
It's just as though you can put your hand down and touch it.
Ohh. Ohh!
Well, this one's got her knickers off.
Ohh!
I never knew Little Bo Peep looked like that.
♪ And I...
He'll be fine. Come on, Fritz. He'll be fine. Come on.
♪ She was one
♪ Of the early birds
♪ And I was one of the...
Ohh.
Oh, there's the old King.
I can see the family likeness, yeah.
Majesty? Your Majesty?
Hello. Frewin, where's His Majesty?
He's on the couch. The couch?
Oh! He was here.
Fritz. He was here.
Your Majesty? Your Majesty?
Your Majesty?
Fritz! They've got His Majesty! Quickly!
Your Majesty?
Hentzau, you've gone too far, sir!
Far too far!
No! Boy, you could hit the King!
I'll saddle the horses.
Well, it's too late. We'll never catch 'em.
- Those devils have taken the King. All is lost. - Who's taken the King?
That blackguard Rupert of Hentzau, Michael's henchman! He was right here.
I'm the captain of the King's guard. I should have protected him!
Quiet, boy, quiet! I should resign!
Quiet, boy! I'm sorr...
- All is not lost. - All is not lost.
That is, if we can persuade our brave friend here...
to play his role once more.
Play his role once more.
- Mmm. - Where? What?
The coronation, Mr. Frewin. The coronation.
We desperately need your help.
You don't expect me to take his part at the coronation, do you?
Yes. Yes.
Oh. Ha!
I'm sorry, gentlemen, not for anything in the world.
And that is final!
My answer is no!
And now, perhaps I should go and see...
if my brother is comfortable.
If he is, I will have the jailor flogged!
Ohh!
What a benevolent ruler you will make, Michael.
The day may come, Hentzau, when your insolence outweighs your usefulness.
Oh, Your Highness.Bruno.
What an honor it is, sir, that you should favor this terrible place with your presence.
How's the prisoner, Bruno? Awful, sir.
I put him in number three, as you can see.
It's the one with the most rats. Good.
It's the darkest and the dingiest.
Also, there's a terrible draft comes up through the gratings.
I took the liberty, sir, of greasin' the iron maiden.
Excellent.
Oh, it is nice to think that this old place...
might once again echo to the screams of excruciating agony.
How dare you imprison me in this ghastly place.
It will not be for long, Brother.
Only until the crown of Ruritania sits upon my head.
The crown is mine. The people will never give it to you.
What do you know about the people?
I know that the people will...
You chose to play the fool and spendthrift,
to live your life in exile.
But your absence from the coronation will be taken as the final insult.
The people will offer the crown to me,
and I will accept it with a modest grace.
God bless you, sir. Shut up!
Yes, shut up! My lips are sealed, sir.
Michael, why do you hate me so?
Because you are conceited, arrogant,
spineless, selfish, shallow,
petty, pompous and pitiful.
But apart from that?
Farewell, Rudolph.
No. No, Michael.
Michael, take Flavia. She's yours.
Yes. Yes, take her.
Yes. The crown jewels, Michael, you'll love them.
You can have such fun with them.
The treasury. Have the treasury, Michael. You'll love the treasury.
Michael.
M-M-M... My...
My butterfly collec...
Rupert, you again.
Madam du Maubon, I am your eager servant.
You're a scoundrel, sir, without an ounce of honor or principle.
Well, it's what I do best. Well... second best.
If Michael catches you, he'll give you to Bruno.
If Michael becomes King, he will marry the princess Flavia.
And you will be very lonely.
What are you talking about? Tomorrow, Rudolph will be crowned King.
That, my lady, depends on where Rudolph lies tonight.
Now then, Your Grace, when the King shall kneel, you will proclaim,
"In the eyes of God and man..." Yes, yes, yes, I know all that.
I may be 92, but I'm sound in mind and body,
in possession of all my faculties.
My brain is as alert and sharp as ever,
and with God's grace,
long may it remain so.
Uh, come in.
The King is late. How can that be?
I do think he could be indisposed.
♪
Now I told the archbishop that you're suffering from a very bad case of laryngitis, sore throat.
You don't have to speak. Just move your lips.
Anything you say, guv'nor. You're payin' the rent.
♪
Have I been betrayed?
Not by me, sir.
What are you doing? Look at him!
I refuse.
♪
♪ Repeat after me.
I am the sword, I am the shield,
and as I am King...
Just crown him, Your Grace.
Ah.
God save the King!
I, Flavia,
do become thy vassal,
swearing to serve thee in truth...
with love, life and limb.
Are you going?
I absolutely refuse.
You must go. I refuse. Pardon.
Certainly. Merci.
Look out.
Furthermore, Frewin,
try and confine yourself to words like... yes, no, please, thank you.
Well, that's mad. I'm not gonna go around sayin' yes, no, please, thank you.
They'll think I'm a loony. No more... No more than that. No more than that.
At least... At least try and... try and confine yourself to words with no R's in them.
You may have noticed that the King has trouble with his R's.
Yeah, I had that once. You get it from sittin' on damp grass.
Come in.
Y-Y-You'll be fine, Frewin. No one in the court will doubt you are the King.
Yes?
I have been instructed to present the faithful companion...
of the late King Rudolph IV to His Majesty, Rudolph V.
Sire, you remember your late father's faithful friend, Jasper.
Oh.
Hello, Jasper. That's a good doggie.
Get back!
Take him to his quarters.
Or let him take you to his.
There's no brandy around his neck.
Yes, well, Jasper certainly believes you're the King.
He could never stand Rudolph. Yes, indeed.
Well, now, custom dictates the King opens the grand ball with the first waltz.
In this case, your partner will be Her Royal Highness, the Princess Flavia.
Now I take it you can waltz, Frewin?
Waltz? Of course I waltz.
Perhaps you would care to demonstrate.
Fritz, perhaps you'd be kind enough to take the part of the Princess Flavia...
in order to demonstrate to the general my skills in the arts.
♪
Stop tryin' to lead, Fritz.
Ohh! Well.
I've never seen our new King before. He's a bit odd.
He's in there dancin' with another man.
It's not for the likes of you and me to question the ways of royalty.
Yeah, well, I guess you're right there, Sarge.
Mmm!
Ssst, ssst!
Is it arranged?
It is.
He's only a dance away from death.
♪
We haven't seen each other for some time.
Is it, uh, three years now?
It was when you visited my country...
on the occasion of my father's funeral.
You're rather like Prince Hal in Shakespeare, Sire,
who was totally transformed upon becoming King.
Your manner, your bearing,
and certainly your dancing.
My honor demands satisfaction, Sire.
Gilles.
Gilles, control yourself. Control myself.
We're not here for revenge. We're here for the King's balls.
I will have them both.
At least the count believes you are the King.
You are not the King, sir.
I have danced with the King before,
and I know you and I have never met.
Could I have a word with you in private? I think you should.
Now, begging your pardon,
one word out of you, and I'm gonna be right in it.
But I may not denounce you...
if I know the reason for this masquerade.
Well, Michael's shanghaied the King,
and I've been hired to take his place 'cause I look like him... How about that?
- Michael has what? - He shanghaied the King.
No.
Yeah, I'll tell you. I was in London.
Your Majesty, I must talk to you. It's urgent.
Excuse me.
Be careful, sir. Your life is in danger.
Here. Take this earring.
When you receive its twin, you'll know it comes from a friend.
Sire, please. Please.
Leaving so early, Brother?
It would seem, play-actor,
that you have little stomach for the perils that lie before you.
This is intolerable.
It is you, gentlemen, that began this dangerous game.
In what foreign gutter did you find this fool?
- That's it. Round the back. - Round the what?
Outside, you and me. Come on.
My God, the fellow has spirit.
Your Majesty. I must decline your invitation...
until a more suitable occasion.
Right. All you've got to do is name the place.
Any day, anytime.
Time. Something that you have very little of.
Your Majesty, please. I must insist.
Your Majesty.
The masquerade has all but ended.
You, you. Leave us. Leave us. Leave us.
Yes, milord.
Miserable bastard. Mind to go back and knock his bloody head off.
Frewin, please, please.
What's it all about, General? What's happening around here? What's going on, eh?
Frewin, don't concern yourself. Don't concern meself?
Do you know what happened to me just now?
A woman come up, gave me one of her earrings and told me my life was in danger.
And some lunatic count in there keeps threatening to slit me throat.
And now this red-haired git tells me I haven't got much longer to live.
Don't concern meself? Frewin, there's nothing to worry about. Really.
Why can't I go back to London? I've done everything you've asked me to do.
I went to the coronation, got all through that, no trouble, right?
I come here, dance with the Princess Flavia,
the waltz, as you asked me to do, no trouble.
Frewin, go to bed and sleep soundly.
Your life could not be in safer hands.
Good gracious.
Ah.
Your Majesty.
How reckless. How... How daring.
How... Shh.
Oh. Oh. Ah.
Ah...
Shh.Shh.
How exciting.
Oh, Sire, I've waited so long.
Ask anything of me. What can I offer you?
Oh, but of course, darling.
But of course.
And the timing is perfect.
My idiot husband and I had another quarrel.
So he's spending the night at his embassy.
You can have me all for yourself.
What would be your greatest pleasure?
Oh, darling, but of course.
With us between them, hmm?
My darling,
you excite me so much.
Come in.
Oh, hello, Jasper, boy. What is it?
Sire, you're more desirable than ever.
If you excuse me for one moment,
I will go and prepare myself for your majestic passion.
Oh, hello, Jasper. What are you doing here?
Wanna go walkies this time of night?
What is it? Wait a minute, Jasper.
Come here.
What are you doing up here?
He's obviously trying to tell us something.
Oh, Rudy. Oh, my Rudy, Rudy.
Rudy.
Natalie?
My darling?
Are you still awake?
I, uh... I beg your forgiveness, my love.
It is only that...
you have deprived me for so long.
You are, even now,
so irresistible to me.
Please. I am on fire, chérie.
Mmm.
I love...
I love everything about you.
Your smell.
Your breasts.
Your waist.
Your hips.
Your thighs.
Your boots.
You have put on the boots.
My naughty, naughty Natalie.
I have never seen these boots before.
But something about them...
excites me.
I will unlace them...
with my teeth.
Oh, Natalie, Natalie, Natalie.
Oh, Natalie.
Natalie!
Well, what are you doing there...
when you are...
It's nothing to do with me, mate.
I'm just on me way to London.
My sword!
My King!
My sheets!
I will kill him!
You idiot.
Ohh! Swine!
Ohh!
Rudy.
Ohh!
Mon Dieu.
Coming.
Is it ready? It is.
Ahh.
One of my very finest creations.
Will it work? Of course it will work.
Yeah? All of my bombs work.
It will explode on impact,
so don't go dropping it till you get round the corner.
Ah. Monsieur Luger,
this will buy your silence.
If it does not, my sword will.
Oh, mum's the word.
Mayhem's my business.
Shh. Gently.
Yes.
It's your turn.
It's a hard life, isn't it?
How's that? Very good.
Tell me, what do you do in London?
Uh, horses.
I'm in the horse business.
Oh, how marvelous. I breed horses too.
We could go riding together.
Yeah, well, um, I don't exactly breed 'em.
I drive them. I'm a cabbie.
What?
Hansom cabdriver.
Very honorable profession. Yeah.
Your name?
Sidney Percival Frewin.
You have a very beautiful admirer.
It's not me she's after. She's got a passion for Kings.
Anything that looks like a King, she'd go after.
Even Rudolph.
Do you know, it beats me how any woman...
could have anything to do with that twit.
Oh. I'm sorry.
That's quite all right.
You see, my father promised me to Rudolph when I was six years old.
Six years old?
That's just not right.
And you mean to tell me there's nothing you can do about it?
I can roquet you.
Couldn't you run away somewhere?
I've thought about it, but...
You see, I would take my conscience with me.
Oh, I tell you.
Oh. I've got it.
Try to hit my ball.
That is a tricky lie.
I've got an idea.
Listen, while I've still got this King job,
I could just cancel your engagement to Rudolph.
I would be a traitor to my own country.
You see, we could never survive without Ruritanian potatoes.
Oh, gotta have the potatoes.
Yes.Yeah.
Right, then.
Yeah.
However,
there is something you could do for me.
Yeah?
What? What?
You could take me for a stroll in the garden.
Just the two of us.
All right.
This is a first.
First time a princess has ever asked me to go for a walk.
Oh, Gilles.
I'm glad you're here. We need a fourth.
You can be yellow.
Good Bruno, I am your lawful King.
Oh, no, let's not go through that again.
I've pledged unquestioned obedience and loyalty to Duke Michael.
But I... I can offer you untold wealth.
Untoldwealth?
Yes.
Bruno, "fwee" me...
and you will know luxury for the "west" of your life.
I know you.
Once you're back on the throne, we'll see.
"Bruno? Never heard of him."
If you doubt me, Bruno,
if you doubt my intent,
take this.
What is it?
It is the royal "wing." A flawless "wuby."
Is it "waluable"?
It is my most precious possession.
It was stolen from the Hapsburgs in 1563.
Yeah?
It is absolutely priceless.
Oh.
Ah.
Oh!
Got anything else?
If only we could lure the Englishman from the palace,
but that confounded Sapt guards him too well.
I wish you would let me dispose of Rudolph.
Don't be a fool, Hentzau.
If I did, that English oaf would rule for the rest of his life.
No.
The impostor must die first and be buried in the cathedral as the King.
"And," she continues,
"I cannot emphasize too strongly...
the urgency of this request.
Yours respectfully, Antoinette du Maubon."
Now wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Now let me see if I understand this.
Mm-hmm.
Michael's mistress, Antoinette,
wants me to meet her tonight, alone, at a windmill.
At a windmill. Yes. Yes.
At a windmill. Yes. Now it is quite true...
that this letter could be a trap.
But time is running against us.
We must force their hand.
We?
We. Yes. Uh, Fritz, myself and you.
Oh, 'cause in this letter, she says I'm to go alone.
We'll be with you of course. If it is a trap...
We'll be waiting in the shadows. Yes.
Tonight,
Sidney Frewin, you can determine the course of history.
I bloody well could, you know.
Yeah.
I could leave things just as they are.
I could be King, marry the Princess Flavia and rule this place.
That's a very good point.
But you're not that kind of man. How do you know?
This letter is the last chance to save my King.
You see, Frewin, I feel about the crown...
as another man might feel about the woman he loves.
Or his horse.
All right then. All right.
I knew I could rely upon you.
Hang on though. Hang on.
If I do this tonight, that is it.
This is my farewell appearance.
Oh, stout fellow, Frewin.
Believe me, Mr. Frewin. You will gain something from this affair...
that few men ever acquire.
Yeah.
A pair of matched earrings.
Way I see it is if we do rescue Rudolph,
I won't be seeing you again,
and if we don't, I know I won't be seeing you again.
So I thought, well...
I thought I'd like to see you again.
I've wanted to see you too.
I think it's disgraceful of Sapt to ask this of you.
Well, I can't break out of me word now, can I?
Besides that, I'm being very handsomely paid.
Ifyou live to collect it.
Oh, Syd, I admire your sense of duty and your courage,
but don't you see you're just being used?
Yeah, but only in the same way...
as you're being used with your marriage to Rudolph.
But, Syd, I didn't choose to be a princess.
And since I met you...
Oh, I wished I wasn't.
See, I have to do what is expected of me.
You mean, Ruritanian potatoes?
Yes.
Oh, yeah.
Hmm.
Well, quicker I get this started, quicker it'll be over.
Good-bye, Princess.
It's been lovely.
I'll pray for you.
And I'll dream about you for the rest of my life.
Thank you, General.
From now on, proceed on foot as if you were alone.
We will, of course, be close at hand.
Now, if you're in any sort of danger,
give the hoot of an owl, like so.
Is that a barn owl or a tawny owl, Uncle?
Fritz, please. Please.
The hoot of an owl.
No. I'm sorry, General. I can't do owls.
It's vital.
You see, it's the secret signal. Hoot of an owl.
I'm sorry, General. Look, why can't you have a...
say, a secret chicken signal instead of a secret owl signal?
Has it gotta be a... Why does it gotta be an owl?
You look ravishing.
From now on, you proceed on foot as if you were alone.
We'll be close behind.
Once the Englishman is with you, you call us like so.
With the hoot of an owl.
But I can't do an owl.
What do you mean, you can't do an owl?
I can't do an owl! Well, what can you do?
Well, I think I could do a chicken.
You could do a chicken.
All right, all right.
You be a chicken. I'll be an owl.
Let me hear your chicken.
This is my night chicken.
It's real, isn't it? It's got that something, you know?
Now you hear that...
God go with you, Frewin. It's better that way.
Much. It's an improvement.
Right.
You know your part, Madame.
Play it well.
All right, lady, here I am. Where's the King?
First, you must promise me that no harm will come to Michael.
Well, I promise you I won't hurt him,
but I can't speak for anyone else.
I'll do what I can. That's all I can do.
All right. The King is being held prisoner in the dungeons of Zenda,
and if the castle is stormed,
Michael's men have been instructed to kill him immediately.
Go on.
So, someone has to gain entrance...
secretly, somehow, into Zenda, and do something,
and then I will manage to help them in... in some way.
That's a great plan, that is. Yeah.
Why are you doing all this?
Because I'm a very jealous woman.
'Cause of the princess.
Yeah.
Right. Well, thanks.
We all thought this was a trap.
- Oh, but it is! - What?
- The sign. - The secret chicken.
He did an owl!
She just did an owl.
He's over there!
No, no. Stop. Stop. What? Why?
Well, that's my signal.
You... You do chickens as well? Yeah.
We're surrounded.
We're surrounded by owls.
Here they come.
I'll tell them it wasn't my signal.
It was a chicken. Right.
Let there be light.
Ow!
Well done, Madame, but that fool of an Englishman's brought some friends with him.
Now where is he? He... He's escaped.
A sitting duck!
General! General! Well done, Frewin!
The King's being held prisoner up at Zenda.
Right. Where are you going? I think I've got an idea.
Idea. Well done and thank you, Frewin!
Ah, Fritz.
Careful, sir! I would hate to spill the blood of a lady.
- Now put your swords down! - You cad, sir!
Hentzau, is there no limit to your infamy?
None that I've yet discovered, sir.
Come, Nephew! Right.
Back to Zenda.
Make it fast.
Now that's enough.
Oh!
Where is the Englishman?
The night was theirs.
The mouse nibbled the cheese, the trap was sprung,
but, uh, somehow he managed to escape.
Really?
Did you betray me, madam?
They came prepared.
By whose word?
You!
Guards! Guards!
I say, "Fwewin."
I am most "fwightfully" sorry, "Fwewin." "Weally" I am.
Yeah. So am I.
'Course it must be a bit of a bother,
walkin' around the spittin' image of each other.
But I'm gonna change all that...
with the help of my darling Elena.
Oh, you're gonna love this.
You see, what I do,
just open it up like that, see.
Then I sit you down on this nice little seat.
Place your feet up there.
Then, very gently, lower the headpiece down,
so it fits nice and snug over your head, you see, like that.
And then adjust the nosepiece,
give it a couple of turns...
to break it in one or two places.
Then with this little instrument, you can do several things.
Pull out a few teeth, or...
put the tongue in like this,
and then you twist it!
It's called a tongue twister.
But the pièce de résistance...
is the earpiece. You see, you just wiggle that round...
Elena. Elena, that's not very nice. Now let me out.
Let me out!
You twit.
Oh, you are a naughty girl. Let...
What are you doing in there?
Getting out, sir. I was just demonstrating.
Demonstrating.
Yes, and very successfully too.
Idiot!
Well, gentlemen,
at last, everything is as it should be.
It won't be many moments now, Brother,
before a tragic accident will befall you,
and the reign of Rudolph V will come to a grisly end,
and Ruritania will have the monarch she deserves.
And as for you, play-actor,
at least you've come through this affair with honor,
and therefore I extend to you the courtesy of chivalry... Please.
To die quickly and cleanly by the sword.
Stop, Michael!
- Let them go. - What the devil?
I mean it, Michael. Let them go.
Put that thing away, madam. You don't even know how to use it.
Kill him, Frewin! Kill him!
No! You promised.
If he's to die, let it be by my hand.
- Just go, quickly. - Have you gone mad?
Don't step another inch, Michael,
or I swear I shall shoot again.
Thank you very much, miss. I'll return your earrings one of these days.
You stupid female.
If they escape, it means exile or worse.
And if they don't, I'd as soon be dead.
Is there anything I can do?
Gentlemen,
our King is in danger.
We ride at once for Zenda!
Forward!
I promise you that Flavia would be my queen...
in name only.
You will always be my one love.
I wish I could believe that.
If only she wasn't so beautiful.
There is no woman so beautiful...
that she could cool my passion for you.
Now, then, who taught you to shoot?
Was it Hentzau?
Has Rupert been stalking you?
I haven't been unfaithful to you, Michael.
No wonder you love him.
On to Zenda!
Zenda! Zenda!
How dare you laugh at me!
I am your rightful King.
Just make way and stop laughing, Rupert.
You are no King of mine, sir!
Oh, yes, he is.
He may be a bit of a twit, but he's still the King.
You haven't by any chance disposed of Michael, have you?
Uh, no, not yet.
Then I shall continue to serve his cause.
Your Majesty, prepare to die.
Up yours, mate.
Rudolph, go hide yourself. Quick.
I hope you will die with grace, Englishman.
You're a bit special with that knitting needle,
but what about... what about the old man to man, huh?
No, I prefer the odds the way they are.
Have you got any idea how that laugh of yours drives people up the wall?
Open in the name of the King!
That's the King's royal guard down there.
Shall I swim the moat, Uncle?
And then what?
Well, you have nothing more to fear, Englishman.
I am no longer your enemy.
With the King's royal guard outside the gates,
for a soldier of fortune such as I, there is but one honorable course.
What's that? Surrender?
Never!
I simply change sides.
Do I hear an offer for my services?
You're hired.
Aha. So, you caught one of them.
Well done. Now, where is Rudolph?
Go and find the King, Englishman.
It'll be my extreme pleasure to dispense with Michael.
You're mad, Hentzau.
Treachery! Treachery. Guards! Guards!
Ohh!
Ow! Ooh!
Open in the name of the King!
Wait!
Now, I'm off to the drawbridge. You best find the King.
Right. Right.
Stop Hentzau! He's a traitor!
We must find the King. Without him as hostage, all is lost.
You two, that way!
Ow!
Ah-ah.
Aha! There you are!
Where?
There. You are!
Yes. Yes, I am. Yes.
Tell me, Montparnasse.
How is your absolutely enchanting wife?
My wife?
No, no, no. First,
I will slit you from your groin to your gullet!
Yes. Yes.
Count Montparnasse, you are so cruel!
You all right, Rudolph?
I am now. Thank you, Frewin.
Come on, let's get out.
We haven't discussed my fee yet.
Not now, Rupert! How do you lower the drawbridge?
I'll deal with the drawbridge. Put the King in the basket.
Quick, Rudolph, into the basket.
But I just got out of a basket.
One King coming up!
The two of you get Hentzau!
Please, don't kill me. Please.
I surrender.
Grab hold of something, Sire!
Open in the name of the King!
Tell the King I'll report next week!
Frewin!
Help me, Frewin. Help me.
Whoa! Whoa!
Where's the King?
Sir, I got you. I got you.
Oh. Oh.
Hold on to me.
Come on.
Quick. Through there.
They've got to be in here.
Break it down.
- We are trapped. - No, not yet, we're not.
We'll jump into the water. But I can't swim.
That's all right, mate. Neither can I. Come on. Come on.
Come on.
I'm too young to die. So am I.
Let's go.
Your Grace! Your Grace, I arrest you in the name of His Majesty, the King!
Where is His Majesty, the King?
You traitor, sir.
Take him away.
Uncle!
Which one's the King, Uncle?
Welcome, Your Majesty. We missed you.
Uh, there must be a slight mistake.
Tell him your name, dearest. By all means.
The name is Frewin.
Sidney Frewin.
The 16. Always the 16.
Ah.
Ow!
I now pronounce you...
man and wife.
All right? Yes.
Walk on, Syl.